Instructional: How to Open a Beer Bottle

So I'll just start by admitting I can be a bit of a pansy when it comes to opening beer bottles. Screw tops hurt my sensitive little hands and the non-screw top ones I feel require specialized equipment to open. Normally I grab my fancy-pants double-pull bordeaux corkscrew which I acquired during culinary school and happens to have a bottle opener included. But thanks to these fine fella's I feel liberated. Many of you may already know this but I just learned that just about anything can be used to open tasty suds: 

 
Bottle Cap Blues from chris sumers on Vimeo.

Makin' Sunday Gravy (on Saturday no less)

Makin' gravy is awesome...for the cost of a couple jars of "premium" pasta sauce you can make your own that tastes as good if not better for just a few bucks.....

I just threw this one together and so far it's tastin' pretty rocking.  Method to be added later for right now just an ingredient list:

1 onion, chopped
2 bell peppers, chopped
1/2 head garlic, thinly sliced
2 cans tomato paste
1 Tbl anchovy paste
1/4 cup port or red wine
#10 can crushed tomato
#10 can pureed tomato (not sauce)
1/2 #10 can water
4 bay leaves
Italian seasoning herbs
S&P
sugar
onion powder
garlic powder

Spent Grain Rolls

You might have noticed that I just did a posting a couple days ago about some spent grain bread I put together, Spent Grain Bread and Why My Wife Reminds Me of a Monkey.  If you made it through the full posting (first I'd like to shake your hand cuz you're a saint in my book) you'll have noted that I didn't use all of the dough I originally made.  While the first loaf-ette was cute it wasn't big enough for a good solid sandwich and who is this world doesn't need some good solid bread with which to embrace some tasty flora and fauna in a sandwich of awesomeness.  I know I do.  

To avoid the expected let-down of a flaccid (yet tasty) loaf-ette I decided to go a different route and make spent grain rolls, same dough, just a new way to roll.  I took the dough and divided it up into 8 semi-equal pieces and rolled them into nice tight little balls of happiness.  If you've never made rolls in this fashion I'll try to describe the process as it's equal parts magic and simplicity.  First, start with a clean dry cutting board or counter, no one wants your cat hair in their spent grain rolls.  Next, place a single ball of dough on the counter which has been coated with NOTHING!!  Now when I mean NOTHING, that's exactly what I mean.  No flour, no cat hair, no butter, no non-stick cooking spray, NOTHING.  You see the key is that you want a little stiction (yes that's a real word, look it up if you don't believe me....No really, I'll wait... Are you done yet!???!  Did you do it??!  Are you satisfied?!?  Are you not entertained?!?  Ok, back to our regular programming...).  Now make your hand into a bit of a claw a-la picture below:

Oooopps...wrong picture... try this one instead...

Now that's better.  Ok, so you place your clawed hand over the dough ball (doesn't matter if you're a lefty or a righty) with your palm gently and lightly pressing down on the top of the dough ball and your fingers curled to just along the bottom edge between the dough and your counter or board.  Once situated rotate your hand in a clock-wise or counter-clock-wise direction keeping constant gentle and light pressure on the dough ball and your fingers keeping the dough within the cage of your fingers and do the Mr. Miyagi and, "Wax on, wax off!" except you really only need to wax on... no waxing off, different post entirely.  

Once you get the hang of this you can play with two balls at once, it's actually quite amusing.  It normally takes only about 5-10 revolutions for the dough to shape into a nice round sphere of loveliness.  

I dropped each of the dough balls into a greased bread pan and left them alone until they were doubled in size which took a couple hours.  As before I cranked up my oven to 450 degrees F 30 minutes before go-time to give the oven a chance to heat up properly.  When the oven and dough were all set to go I whisked up a quick egg wash which was one egg and a splash of milk mixed well.  I brushed that over the top of the rolls then sprinkled liberally wish some kosher salt.  The wash will help in browning of the rolls and gives the salt something to stick to.  Next I took a pair of clean scissors (for the sake of all things holy, please wash your scissors before doing this, no one wants the aforementioned cat hair in their spent grain rolls, how many times do I have to go over this) and cut an X pattern in the top of each roll, maybe about 1/4 of the way in, not too deep.  I did this after the egg wash because I wanted the fancy visual contrast between the browned crusty edges and the softer interior, you can be the edge of my effectiveness.  

Here are some pics:

Puffed and about to get egg-washed

Just out of the oven (sorry for the crappy pictures, I'm sick and impatient and it was dark outside)

and broke apart to see the inside awesomeness....

and yes, in case you were curious, they were Frickin' Awesome!!!

Spent Grain Bread and Why My Wife Reminds Me of a Monkey

I try as best I can to be one of those “Waste not want not” people.  I’m not always as successful as I can be but I’ll go out of my way to recycle, cook lots of sustainable foods (read beans and rice) and be an all around nice guy (most of the time).  I also believe in using as much of an animal which gave it's life for my eatin' pleasure.  From the rooter to the tooter as they say in the South.  

So when I was helping a friend  make some home-brewed beer a few months back it broke my heart to see him toss all his cooked grains in the trash.  For you non-beer makin' folk because all of this grain has been cooked to extract all of it's flavor and sugars which the yeast will feast on to make alcohol the grain is considered spent, thus the name, spent grain.  Anywho, I’ve been trying to find ways to utilize this byproduct of beer making, so far I hope to put together a muesli recipe and maybe some granola bars, but until such time I decided to make bread.  I got these grains from my buddy (@guambrewer) who I believe got them from another mutual friend who has used them possibly in a Red Ale but I wouldn't swear to it.  

This is a pretty basic recipe and while the overall time required was a bit on the longish side it doesn’t take a whole lot of special ingredients or skill.  Heck, if I can do it, you’re likely to be twice as successful.  After a quick search across that there world wide web thingy I came across a recipe I liked over at the Michigan Beer Blog that I thought would fit the bill nicely.  

Here’s my version and it only differs slightly:

Spent Grain Bread

Sponge:
1 tsp active dry yeast
3/4 cup room temp water
3/4 c spent grain
6.75 oz (by weight) bread flour.  If you gotta use volume the original was 1.5 cups

Dough:
18 oz (1 lb 2 oz) bread flour.  Original volume was 4 cups
1 cup room temp water
2 Tbl honey
2 tsp salt
2 Tbl butter, melted, optional 

First off, start this bread early or make sure you have time the next day which was my fail point #1.  I started at about noonish and would have been a lot better off if I’d started closer to 9 or 10 in the AM.  Anyway, mix together all the ingredients for the sponge.  The original recipe called for 1/2 tsp yeast and a preferred 24 holding period but I didn’t have that much time on my hands so bumped it up to 1 tsp.  If you’re using one of the packets from the grocery store use about half ‘cuz they're 2 1/4 tsp.  Cover with a damp towel and set aside for at least 5 hrs.  

Here's my sponge ingredients....

  Here’s what my sponge looked like after mixing....

After letting this stuff sit at room temp (about 82 degrees this afternoon) man oh Manischewitz did this stuff smell AWESOME!!!!  My wife (who I might add has the taste buds of a proboscis monkey... and no, her nose is not normally that big but she took offense at the first animal that came to mind so this is the second animal that came into my pea-esque brain) just thought it smelled like bread.  However, because I had the trained palate of a gourmand it smelled yeasty, beery, fermenty and funky in all the right ways.  (and yes, before you ask, those are officially acceptable taste test descriptors and if you don't believe me look it up in Wikipedia, that place is full of truth-like statements)

(not actual picture of my wife)

Here are the ingredients in the mixer bowl...

Not as wet as the pictures from Michigan Beer Blog but once you get this far in there is no going back and I was gonna get my dough on!  I dumped all of the sponge and all of the dough ingredients (EXCEPT THE SALT) in the bowl of my trusty Kitchen Aid, tossed the dough hook into place and set it on low for 12 minutes.  If you don’t have a Kitchen Aid good luck cuz this next part is gonna suuuuuuuck.  A lot!  12 minutes in a Kitchen Aid is about 20 min or so in real life time so knead away son, knead away...

At first everything was a shaggy messy mess but after about two minutes to the dot everything just came together.  Yeah me!   

While the suckers, ahem non-Kitchen Aid owners, would be kneadlessly killing themselves (yes, that was supposed to be a pun) I had a beer.  A nice cold frosty beer hit the spot on this hot day as I just stared at the mixer working it’s little heart out.  No seriously, the mixer got so hot I thought it was going into cardiac arrest but it pulled through.  A couple two or three times I stopped the mixer and re-distributed the dough.  I don’t know if it really made a difference but I felt that it made me more part of the process.  After the 12 minutes in the mixer had elapsed I tossed in the salt, redistributed the dough again and let it go for another 3 min.  

I pulled the dough out, gave it a couple spins by hand (once again so that I could feel like I had something to do with the whole makin’ bread thing) and tossed it into a greased bowl which I again topped with a damp towel.  Now walk away.  Do not, I say, do not touch the bread for at least two hours or as long as it takes for the dough to double in size.  A good rule of thumb (or finger in this case) is to lightly poke the dough with your finger.  If it leaves an indent you’re normally good to go, if it puffs back up your dough likely needs more time.  Heck, if you're a proboscis monkey and you're reading this and thinking about making this bread you could probably just press your nose in and get the same effect.  

Scrape the dough onto a lightly floured surface and divide in two pieces.  I took piece numero uno and tossed it in a ziploc bag and into the freezer to be used at another time.  Dough number two was pressed out by hand into a rectangle, then rolled up into a tight little cylinder of about 9” in length.  I then pinched along the seam to seal up my loaf and dropped it into a greased loaf pan.  

And once again it was topped with the damp towel.  About 30 minutes before go time I cranked up my oven to 450º F and put a cast iron skillet on the bottom shelf.

(yes I understand that it looks, shall we say, unseemly, but hey it's bread, what did it ever do to you except be tasty?!?!)

This time ‘round I gave it a couple hours to double in size after which time I cut some slits in the top, brushed on some melted butter and tossed it in the hot oven.  At the same time I tossed 2 cups of ice cubes into the cast iron skillet which was raging hot to produce steam during the cooking process.  What the steam does reacts with the exterior of the bread and makes a nice crusty crust.  Good stuff Maynard!   

After 15 minutes I rotated the bread and after 10 minutes more I checked its temp.  I was shooting for 210º F but was only at 195º so tossed it in for about five minutes more.  

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and admit that is one seriously ugly chub of bread.  

But being a baker of the highest order I set it aside to cool overnight.  Who am I kidding?!?  I waited impatiently for about 2 minutes, cut off a couple litlle slices for my wife and I to try.  She was duly impressed and I quote, “You should be proud, you finally baked something edible.”  And with that I ate my bread happily and vowed never to call her a probiscos monkey again.  

Over the course of that night and the next morning I consumed the better part of 2/3 of the loaf.  I ate it plain with butter, toasted with butter, butter with plain salt, I made a cheese sandwich with dijon mustard and cheddar and lastly plain butter and truffle salt which made me do the happy dance (see below).  Everything, and I mean everything, tastes better with truffle salt. 

Notes for next run:

I think I’m going to skip the ice during the baking.  I really liked the chewy crust but feel that it could get in the way of a good sandwich.  That said I might have to drop the temp a bit to allow for a longer cooking time with a little foil tent near the end as a prophylactic against over-caramelization (read - I don't want my bread to burn until I make it into toast)

Second, I’m going to add some herbs like rosemary and/or thyme to the mix, I think it’ll fit really well.  

Next, I really liked the bread but it came out kinda flat so for the next run I’m going to use all the dough in a single loaf for sandwich bread.  

And lastly I’d like to sub about 1 or two cups of the bread flour for whole-wheat flour just for shits and giggles.  

Bacon ≠ El Diablo

So I'm trolling through the ol' net and ran across this statement of truth (picture below).  It reminds me of classic philosophical arguments (which I usually lose) where someone is able to "prove" that you are in fact a lettuce breathing hippopotamous based on a set of over-simplified logic based arguments.  And every time I'm singled out as the only lettuce-creathing hippopotamous in the room I know, somewhere, deep down inside their argument is a falshood or assumption.  Problem is that I can never quite put my finger on it, maybe it's because of all the lettuce.  

This beautiful picture (again, pictured below) has no logic failures or mis-steps, just pure truth.  If you read it and feel that you've been able to locate the logical break-point or over-reaching assumption just know now that you didn't, you are in fact wrong and that bacon-hate ≥ devil worship! 

Squeez Bacon from Think Geek

The choice to try my hand at making some of my own specialty products is two-fold.  First and foremost, I think it's really fun to make stuff that other people wouldn't think twice of purchasing in the store.  The second goal was to make better quality food by eliminating some of the preservatives and chemicals often found in commercial processed food.  So far so good, I keep learning and growing in my craft.  

That said, sometimes a product comes along that makes you just throw your hands in the air and say, "Fuck it!  How am I ever going to compete with that?!?  It's frickin' genius!  I have just found the next Nobel laureate!"  On the other hand, I'm a little horrified.  It's like Cheez-Whiz, you gotta draw a line don't you?!?!  

Well, I think I'm gonna have to give this stuff a shot and report back.....that is, if it doesn't kill me first.  If you'd like to play along with my version of Bacon Roulette you can order your very own bottle of crazyness at Think Geek.

If instead you want to make your own version of Squeez Bacon Instructables has produced some instructions which you can find here.

And the good folks over at Serious Eats which is a fantastic site about all things food seems to have scooped me and done their own review.  I promise not to read theirs so as not to cause undue influence of any kind.

Update:  I was just informed by a friend that Squeez Bacon is in fact not a real product.  Talk about being left standing on the doorstep on prom night.  And, as it turns out that the Swedish voice-over may in fact be reciting the lyrics to Rick Astley.  So not only have I been left wanting but Rick-rolled on top of that.  Heart-ache...

So I guess I skip step one and move directly onto step 2, trying to make my own.  Anyone interesting in sampling this delightful treat when completed.  I make no guarantees of personal safety or longevity.  Just sayin'.    

Keep Calm and Bacon On

Were any truer words ever said? 

I think not

Miso-Hungy...Me love you long time..

As is often the case I started by trying to whip together a simple Sunday dinner but as I got deeper into things it started to become a little more involved and wicked tasty.  

First and foremost was the soba salad and a warning.  These days when I cook things mostly get thrown together and if the dish is successful it's up to me to figure out after the fact what went in and in what quantities so I can (hopefully) recreate it at a later date:

Soba Salad with Lemon-Miso Dressing

1 package dry soba noodles, cooked according to instructions on package, cooled under cold running water

1/4 cup white miso

2 Tbl rice vinegar (unseasoned)

1 large lemon, half zested, juiced

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 Tbl minced fresh garlic 

1/2 fresno chile, thinly sliced

2 green onions, thin sliced

1 carrot, shredded

1/2 english cucumber, sliced into thin half-moons

In a large bowl mix together then miso through chile and mix well.  Add the rest of ingredients and toss to coat.  Serve cool or cold.  

After sitting for about 30 minutes the soba noodles soaked up a lot of the excess liquid so next time I might had a smidge of water to loosen everything up before serving and maybe a Tbl of a neutral flavored oil to keep everything loose.  

I don't use any particular brand of miso, just the white stuff which tends to be the most mellow.  In case you're wondering what to do with the rest of the tub, there's always miso-soup which is surprisingly easy and another post to come)

Now on to el atún:

1 big ass tuna steak (maybe 1 lb?)

1/4 cup rice vinegar (unseasoned)

1/2 cup soy sauce (I used low-sodium)

1 Tbl toasted sesame oil

2 green onions, thinly sliced

1/2 fresno chile, thinly sliced

1 tsp ginger, minced

2 cloves garlic, minced 

2 tsp Sriracha (if you are unfamiliar with the awesomeness that is Sriracha click on the link and get yourself educated!)

2 green onions, thin sliced (for garnish)

1 Tbl toasted sesame seeds (for garnish)

Combine all the marinade ingredients together then add the tuna.  Marinate for 15 min, flip and marinate 15 min more. 

As the tuna is getting all happy like start up some coals and get 'em ripping hot.  

When the tuna is done getting tasty tasty remove it from the marinade, wipe off any chunks and dab it dry with a paper towel.

Brush the grill grate with oil just before adding the fish.  

Cook about 60-90 seconds then turn 90-degrees and cook for another minute or so.  If you don't care about having pretty cross-hatch marks just let the tuna cook for the full 2.5-3 minutes without disruption.

Resist all temptation to peek or touch the fish... just let it alone to do it's thing. 

After the allotted time gently flip the tuna and cook for an additional 2.5-3 min.  Cover the tuna with foil and let it rest for about 7-10 minutes before slicing and serving.  

Sprinkle over all with the reserved green onion and sesame seeds cuz they look kewl.  Take a taste and congratulate yourself for a job done awesome! 

Final Dish: 

  

P.S. - Thanks to my Uncle Dan for catching this awesome sea creature! 

Happy National Bacon Day

On today, the holiest of holies, I wish each and everyone a happy National Bacon Day. And to celebrate we shall consume bacon and salute our patron saint, Sir Francis Bacon.

 

And his more current great-great-grand-nephew-thrice-removed, Kevin bacon.

No Kevin, we salute you!