Real Hillbillies Don't Do No Wine Tastin' - We Do Comparitive Tastings of Dried "Meat" Sticks

SlimJim – Overly dry but still significantly greasy, not quite sure how they were able to reach that culinary pinnacle.  Not a lot of flavor on the front end but good peppery aftertaste.  Needs more spice and overall moistnicity (I just made that word up, it’s pretty cool [sung in the voice of Vaness Bayer singing in the voice of Mylie Cyrus on SNL]).  If any more grease or fat is added to this product BP will have to include it on its Deep Horizon honey-do list.  This one gets a rating of Blech.

7-11 Snack Stick – The greasiest and still too dry, this thing tastes like it's equal parts salt and grease, and I don't mean that in a complimentary way.  In fact it coated my lips and mouth so much that I had to drink nearly a pint of water to dilute it.  Good fermented tang flavor but also needs more spice flavor.  Now I know where all the oil from the Valdez was sent to.  This thing should come with a government warning that throwing it away would be the equivalent of an environmental disaster.  I give it a Double-Blech. 

People’s Choice – Least greasy of the three traditional dried sticks.  This is the first one I tried and seemed flavorless at first, however, after trying the other sticks and drinking enough water to turn my brown eyes blue the flavor is growing on me, kinda like jock itch but tastier.  Though this is not the teriyaki flavored stick I’m getting a significant teriyaki undertone.  An inspection of the ingredients list reveals the culprit; turns out that dehydrated soy sauce is the second ingredient behind beef.  This one shall be henceforth rated as Half-Blech. 

Jack’s Links – This product had the meatiest flavor and was the most well-rounded in the flavor department.  There was a good after taste of garlic but could have used more heat from pepper.  Definitely not a low-fat product but moist without tasting overly greasy.  This is my top pick…and while it’s the smallest of the bunch a bonus is that is comes with a matching stick of “pasteurized processed cheddar cheese food,” whatever that is.  If you have the chance to purchase their triple-play option with double the meat, double the “pasteurized processed cheddar cheese food” and a couple pretzel sticks go for it.  Cheap eats even though it does thicken your blood to the equivalent of 10W-40.  Semi-palatable but I think I need to have my arteries roto-rootered as I’m feeling quite sluggish.

Take-a-way #1 - I have a feeling I'm going to be regretting my decision to eat all this crap in the very near future.

Take-a-way #2 - I feel dirty...like, "Did a search for something normal and found pictures of people doing weird and abnormal things to animals dirty"  But I digress...

Take-a-way #3 - As my dad used to tell me (often and normally mumbling under his breath), "If you want something done right, you just gotta do it your god-damn self!"  So I think I'm gonna try a batch of my own and see how it turns out.  Gotta do a little orderin' of products... hopefully more info soon!